Whenever my best friend tells me about a difficult conversation she had, she always says, “I came in curious.”

What she means is:

• She assumes she’s missing pieces of the puzzle
• She asks questions and listens
• Only when she has all the information and she fully grasps the other person’s intentions will she speak about her own experience and needs

This method eliminates assumptions and lures the other person into a collaborative mood because they feel heard and cared about.

 (I know because in our 25-year friendship she’s used this on me many times.)

Not surprisingly, her success rate at resolving tricky conflicts is very high. Although I am not as emotionally mature as she is, I do try to emulate this process.

I have also found this mindset useful in other situations.

When I first started doing sideline reporting for sports, I often felt embarrassed about how little I knew.

When I was interviewing players and coaches, I was worried that asking the wrong questions would reveal that I was a fraud.

If someone said something I didn’t know or understand, I would never ask for clarification and would google it after.

Then I started working alongside play-by-play announcer Chuck Swirsky. Chuck has decades of experience.

He is one of the most knowledgeable people in the room... and he asks questions about everything.

I saw how instead of being embarrassing, it was the most crucial part of his preparation.

He never missed an important detail 

Chuck inspired me to be relentlessly curious.

Now:

• I get better information
• my relationships with the coaches and players are better
• and best of all, I no longer feel like I have anything to hide

I’ve also discovered that coming in curious it is the best mindset for coaching as well.

Unfortunately, I found this out the hard way. 

A couple years ago in my group coaching program, I was giving a participant feedback on a podcast interview he had done.

After some supportive comments, I noted that he sounded very distracted at the beginning of the podcast.

I said, “I know you. You always have a hundred things on the go. You have to find a few extra minutes to step away from the kids and your phone, and get grounded so you can focus right from the top of the interview.”

He very graciously let know that he had, in fact, done that.

It was the podcast host who had been distracted. The host started the interview and then began shuffling papers, moving equipment, and was not actively listening.

This is what caused my client to be distracted.

I felt embarrassed. I had come in with a huge assumption.

 I knew it was my ego driving it. I wanted to show off "how well I knew my client."

It was a learning moment for me.

All I had to do to be helpful (and not embarrass myself) was to come in curious.

I should have said ,“I noticed you sounded a little distracted at the top of the interview. What was going on?”

Since then I have done my best to adopt the “come in curious” mantra for my coaching as well. And the results have been extremely positive.

 There's another way curiosity can help you.

Especially if you hate the idea of being asked a question you don't know the answer to. Check out my LinkedIn post on it.

P.s. This is Day One of my 12 Days of Public Speaking Tips series. I hope you enjoy them all.  Don't miss a single one by signing up for my newsletter (as a bonus, you'll get my Quick Fix for Nerves Guide).